Posted on 10 February 2011.
Mr. and Mrs. Ernest (Elvira) Pinder; Mr. and Mrs. Carl (Jewel) Warren; Mr. and Mrs. Oscar (Juanita) Young; and Mr. and Mrs. Vince (Gladys) Worlds have a combined 157 years experience in making love last. They shared their tips on how to make love last.
Taking their mission of “Til Death Do Us Part” seriously, the couples talk about: The Misconception of Marriage, Sexual Harmony, Finances, and Sustaining Through Tough Times.
Although the couples were interviewed separately, their answers were amazingly very similar.
Ernest & Elvira Pinder
Carl & Jewel Warren
Oscar & Juanita Young
Mission:
Til Death Do Us Part. That promise seems almost a foregone conclusion with money problems, personality issues, differing spiritual and child rearing beliefs. The end result is a divorce rate that’s tipping the charts and the future of the family in jeopardy.
As couples across the country prepare to honor those they “love” with candy, cards, flowers and such, we wanted to know, in the words of Patty Austin and James Ingram, “How Do You Keep the Music Playing?” in love and most importantly marriage. So, we set out to get answers from the experts: couples who’ve been through the trenches and back and are still going strong.
We talked to four married couples who have a combined total of 157 years of marriage under their belts. No subject was off limits. They share their feelings on matters from the Bible to the bedroom and how they’ve managed to keep it together over the years.
The couples are Ernest and Elvira Pinder, married 57 years. Carl and Jewel Warren, married 41 years. Oscar and Juanita Young celebrate 35 years this month and Vince and Gladys Worlds, married 23 years.
Topic 1: The Misconception Of Marriage
Pinders:
She says: “The biggest misconception I would say is most young people get married without trust. Most of them are independent when they get married to each other and they don’t pull themselves together with each other.”
He says: “Trust and respect, that’s all it is. They think the grass is always greener, but thatís the biggest mistake they can make. Leave that other one alone. Period. Don’t go out with your eyes on another. Be truthful and faithful to the one at home.”
Warrens:
She says: “Thinking you have to agree on everything. You should be able to agree to disagree. Accept each other. Donít marry to try to change each other. Just try to change yourself and if you love each other as you love yourself itíll work itself out and itíll end up changing for the better.î
He says: “You need to put something in it to get something out of it. If you donít, it wonít work.î
Youngs:
She says: “People think that because they get married itís going to work, but marriage is a work in progress. You have to get in there, roll up your sleeves and be willing to fight to make your marriage work. It takes two. One person can not make a marriage work.”
He says: “The man says, ‘Iím the man of this house, I run everything, I run this house.’ The woman also plays a very important role. There are some things that the woman is better equipped to do. Just because you’re the man of the house does not mean everything has to also go your way. ”
Worlds:
She says: “I think the biggest misconception is what a perfect marriage is, not realizing that a perfect marriage is going to vary from couple to couple.î
He says: “I think the biggest misconception about marriage is that you or your partner have to see eye to eye on everything. People don’t realize you’re not perfect and your partner is not perfect. You are two imperfect people in an unconditional relationship.”
Topic 2: Sexual Harmony
Pinders:
She says: “In keeping with the Bible, it tells us the woman does not have control of her body nor the man his. In other words, we should be submissive to each other whenever the time. You should never deny your partner. You should always be ready and submissive to that partner.”
He says: “Ditto.”
Warrens:
She says: ìTry to think of the other person’s needs as much as your needs. Sexual harmony is not always the act, but being able to be loving. Write love notes. I just found one that I wrote Carl years ago.” The date was July 23, 1995. It simply read: “To Carl from Jewel: Just because I love you.”
He says: “I agree.”
Youngs:
She says: “The Bible makes it clear, your body is not your own. You can’t be saying ‘no, no, no.’ You have to make time. Even with the kids. Even with work. Nothing should get in between a husband and a wife.”
He says: “I found very early in our marriage that I had to romance my wife. When you do that, it just makes sex better. She’s not turned on as quick as I am.”
Worlds:
She says: “A healthy sexual relationship begins before the bedroom. To me, it helps to keep the romance alive outside of the bedroom, so that when you get to the bedroom it’s a natural progression.”
He Says: “Continue to date and to create an atmosphere that’s conducive for romance.” It could be as simple as “going up the street to Chili’s and having an appetizer.”
Topic 3: Finances
Pinders:
She says: “It’s always been said the quickest way to break-up a marriage is finances. Today, couples come together with good jobs and independence. ‘I have mine, he has his.’ They start separate. But you’ve got to work together and pull together to make your finances work. They split the bills down the middle, ‘you pay this, I pay that,’ but It’s not supposed to be that way.”
He says: “Absolutely not.”
Warrens:
She says: “We didnít ever have this was his and this was mine. We brought all of our checks together and paid to the church, paid ourselves next and then the bills. And we still do that now. We have good humor about money.”
He says: “Absolutely.”
Youngs:
He says: “We always put our money together. Her check was my check and my check was her check. We always had one checking account. One credit card. If there was something that needed to be done and she made more money this week, it always went into one pile. I didnít have no little private stash. I think that’s the way it should be because the Bible says ‘the two shall become one.”
She says: “ìI don’t handle the checking account. He’s better at it than me and I donít have a problem with that. Whoever is better at managing, then let that person. If one fails everyone fails.”
Worlds:
He says: “I would say tithing and working as a team. We donít split. We work out of one big pot. Her money is my money and my money is her money.”
She says: “I didn’t say that. My money is my money! No, I’m just kidding.” (she laughs)
Topic 4: Sustaining Through Tough Times
Pinders:
She says: “Prayer, trusting in God and leaning on each other.”
He says: “Putting God first and leaning on each other.”
Warrens:
She says: “In tough times, that’s really when you stay on your knees and really look towards the Lord for comfort and strength. What was tough today, when the morning comes, it’s not as heavy.”
He says: “Don’t let something try to come in between you, try to take you away from what you should be doing. Continue to work at it.”
Youngs:
She says: “Knowing that God brought us together. There is a plaque I made even before I meet Oscar. Not realizing the significance. It still hangs over our door. It reads, ‘Christ is the head of this house, the unseen host at every meal the silent listener to every conversation.'”
He says: “That sums it up. Basically we always put God first. We built on that foundation. We always qualified it with the word. If it didnít match up with the word we tried not do it. The word is a correcting rod that draws us closer together.”
Worlds:
She says: “Knowing we were committed to marriage. We embraced early on that marriage is a lifetime commitment.”
He says: “The pastor who married us taught us that there is no divorce. ‘You have problems she has problems but that doesn’t matter.’ It’s unconditional commitment.”
Topic 5: Their Best Advice
Pinders:
He said: “I told my wife in the beginning of the marriage, don’t believe what people say about me and I won’t about you. I bought her a Volkswagen to travel to school at Gibbs Junior College, because Blacks couldn’t go to school in Tampa at that time. One of Vi’s classmates couldn’t wait to see her to tell her she saw me Saturday night in the car with this woman. So Vi said, ‘Not my husband!’ She [the woman] was dying to say it was me. But it was a friend of mine. We had similar cars. So that was one thing that proved to Vi, you don’t believe one thing people say about your husband or wife.”
She said: “I think it’s very important for parents to show love, honor and respect in front of their children, so when those children become adults they can build strong marriages. Seeing their parents being loving and kind helps to form their thoughts and ideas about marriage.”
Warrens:
She said: “I think sometimes we’re so career oriented of trying to attain, attain, attain. We look to make the milestones in our career and have left out someone who would make a good mate. A good man is really worth more than some of those things you’re trying to reach for, because in the end, those things really don’t have any value. I’m not saying don’t have a career, but do everything with balance.”
He said: Work to live a life with no regrets. “At our age now, we don’t have any regrets. We don’t wish we had done, because we have done.”
Youngs:
He said: “The Bible says live with your wife according to knowledge and once you know your spouse you can work within those things. If not, it will cause a lot of problems in the marriage. Once you know that person you can grow with that person.”
She said: “There’s a saying ‘don’t marry the person you can’t live without, marry the person you can live with.’”
Worlds:
He said: “People have this idea about what marriage is by what’s on TV or looking at other couples.” Don’t try to mimic others.
She said: “It helps to come to an agreement on financial goals. Those goals then help you make day to day decisions, long range/short term, which help make financial decisions a little easier.”
Topic 6: The Kids
Pinders:
He said: “I lived a life real careful to be a beautiful role model to my children. My son has told me I’ve built a tough road for him to follow. He says it’s a strong positive role, but still tough to follow. He’s been married now for 32 years. My daughter’s been married 27 years. They’re both still together with their spouses doing real good. I think I’m the only somebody who’ll walk up and kiss their son. I don’t mind. I love my son and I don’t care what people think. I hug and kiss my children.”
She said: “One Sunday out of every month, we have dinner at home with the kids. We used to extend that to the extended family to keep the family together. It is important to still show love and togetherness even after the kids leave home.”
Warrens:
She said: “We still hug and still affectionately kiss each other and our children see it. It’s a natural thing. It’s not something I feel I need to do, but want to do. I think when we guard our hearts, everything else is guarded. As the Bible says, ‘out of your heart flows the issues of life.’ You don’t have to think too much about what you do because your emotions pretty much stay in tuned to your thoughts. ”
He said: The kids have been such a positive influence on me since I’ve been sick. Their love and support increases my will to want to get better. Their presence is my medicine. I imagine if I had not set a good example for them over the years, I would not get this kind of support from them. I’m grateful to not only have the support of my kids in my time of need, but the support of my grandkids, too.”
Youngs:
He said: “We are role models for our children. Our children respect us as parents. It’s incumbent upon us to be parents to them and not equals. The Bible says we are to ‘train them in the way they should go.’ If we are not living in a way they can see, we are falling short in our role as parents.”
She said: “I look at the way our children handle themselves, the things that we did are things that they do as a family now. I see my son with the two children, he plays at the park he coaches and these are things we did with them. When they have a problem, they call us. If we didn’t set the example where would they go? Most importantly, they heard us pray. We taught them how to pray. Your kids should not be looking to someone else as an example.”
Worlds:
She said: “I think the communication between us as a couple and as parents is an example to our kids how to maintain a healthy relationship. My parents died early in our marriage, but I had the opportunity to observe them and Vince observed his parents and they gave us an image of what a marriage should be and the importance of being a family.”
He said: “What’s interesting to me is the fact that I have boys and they see the way I treat their mom. They say I spoil her and she always gets what she wants. I think by them seeing how I put her first serves as a good template for them. My day to day actions towards her speak for themselves as the image I’d like them to have on how they’ll treat their spouse.”
Conclusion
Those were just a few of the issues tackled. Each couple was interviewed separately, but amazingly their answers were across the board very similar. They all say the key is prayer and mutual respect for one another.
They also all say they are watching the seeds they’ve sown flourish in the lives of their children. The Pinders, Warrens and Youngs all have adult children who are now married with children of their own. They say those marriages are also going strong and they credit the examples they’ve set as one of the reasons.
The Worlds’ children are under the age of 20, but the couple sees that even now, the groundwork has been laid for how their sons will treat their future wives.
And so, there you have it. Advice from the experts on all things love, family, marriage and commitment. May those of us who are still working to forge a meaningful legacy be inspired to move forward in confidence and determination.
